I don’t know who I am anymore. Every action, thought, experience I’ve had and am having is constantly up for review. How much of myself do I want to take forward into my future? What aspects and characteristics do I want to improve or cultivate? And what parts of myself and the ways I’ve operated belong in the past?
It seems as though most of my characteristics belong in the past and have no place in the present. I find myself constantly in disdain and disapproval around what makes me who I am. I also find myself constantly questioning what is and really isn’t me. Am I intrinsically good or bad and do I lean deeply to the dark side? Maybe I was never as good as I believed I was. Maybe I’m have more goodness than I believe I have. It’s all a mess up there in the scramble of trying to find the truth. I grasp at pieces from others and the outside to create the present image of myself. If I don’t know anything then what I can do is model. Model what I’m attracted to. It’s a start. I’m focused on the small group of people I care deeply about and how they react to my presence. On the daily I ask, did I make that person feel good or bad with me? Did I take energy from them?
Anytime I experience a good result, I analyze and hang on to that piece. Another clue to remind me of the ways I have potential to be a good/positive force. If there’s a reflection that triggers me, I take stalk on the fact that I must carry that piece of that person no matter how much it hurts. Those aren’t reflections I want to recognize but they’re the most important ones. I rewrite my thesis on what makes me me and start moving through how to melt that piece away from who I am. If the reflection is good, I stash it in my mind like a post it note in an investigation. “I want to be more like what I just enjoyed about that person.”
I have no ability to just be anymore. Everything has become analytical and scientific. If I study and put the right A + B together, I can bring out the best in myself or create a best version of myself, a version truly worth living for and standing beside.
The fact is I don’t feel completely safe anywhere because I myself am not a safe place for myself. The safe zone starts and ends with myself but how do I create this safe zone?
Written by Kobra Paige, December 2020